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There was a slight resistance, another gasp from Nita and I was all the way in, starting a slow, gentle rocking movement. We loved twice more that hot night. Our bodies were steaming with the heat from within and without. There was a sexual abandonment I never expected from her, a freeness that was different from anything I had experienced so far.Sometime during the night she silently slipped away. A dream? ... A fantasy? ... No, in the harsh light of the lamp I saw several splashes of blood on the sheets as I got up to the tap on the door, daylight still hours away Damn, what had I done?With some trepidation I said goodbye to Nicaragua, making the long trip home.NEW YORK"I'm gonna find me a river, one that's cold as ice.And when I find me that river, lord I'm gonna pay the price, oh lord!I'm goin' down in it three times, but lord I'm only comin' up twice.She's long gone, and now I'm lonesome blue."Hank WilliamsI got back to New York at the same time winter arrived. There was a cold,. .." I say, holding back a wave of nausea as I try to force the words out.What if grandma doesn't understand? Worse yet, what if she calls my parents?As the millions of worries flow through my brain, however, one simple factbecomes clear- however grandma reacts, things couldn't possibly be any worsethan if I don't say anything right here, right now."I..." I continue. "I always wish... I always wish that I'd been born aboy." I pause briefly to allow grandma respond, but all she does is nodgently, giving me my cue to continue. "When- when I'm, you know, being agirl, I feel so stressed, so tense, it's like there's so much expected ofme, I have to act a certain way, I have to look a certain way, and it justfeels alien to me, it feels so wrong... Like I hate every aspect of myself,every part of my body just for being the gender I am, and I-" I'm silencedby yet another hug from Grandma, who allows me to gently weep onto hershoulder."Kayleigh-Ann," Grandma whispers. "When- when you made that,.
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